Joe Things - Joe

Dear Journal, why did the ACME agent cross the road? So he could get to the other side...and JOIN IT of course. Everyone knows VILE is where it's at. Hyuk Hyuk! YAHOO!!! It's a great day today as Carmen has just told me I have been accepted into VILE. I can't stop celebrating. However I had better lower my volume before I tip of Interpol that I'm in France. Uh wait...did I say France, I meant Sweden...no uh...Finland....no Canada. Yes that's it, anywhere except Europe. Ahem. Anyway, gotta go and do some shopping for supplies before I play my first prank on ACME. :P Now where do I find 5 gallons of Bacon Grease? ---- Dear Journal, how many ACME agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: ALL OF THEM. Because that's what it would take for them to get the bulb back from Carmen after she's stolen it. Hyuk hyuk! Just arrived at VILE HQ. Nice place. A little chilly, but the penguins don't seem to mind. Hyuk hyuk! Everyone seems to be out at the moment. Gonna just unpack a few things and explore the place. Doubt that I'll play any pranks on my fellow VILE villains. Then again this is a golden opportunity to set something up.... ---- Dear Journal, what do you get if an ACME agent plays monopoly? A BORED game that's what. Hyuk hyuk! Seriously, the ACME agents are so boring. VILE is still running circles around them. From what I just overheard using VILE's secret communications hacking satelite (if you are reading this and are not a VILE agent, THIS THING DOES NOT EXIST!) ACME only just realized that a few VILE agents are still in the USA plotting a little something. Talk about slow. An asthmatic snail could run circles around them, let alone VILE. Hyuk hyuk! Anyway, on my end, I decided against pulling an pranks against my fellow VILE agents, especially since I heard that several of them are not as opposed to violence as I am. I did however think up a really sneaky prank to pull on a certain ACME agent. Now this is going to be comedy gold. Hyuk hyuk! Just need to prepare a few VILE bots to assist me and I'll be off. ---- Knock Knock! Who's there? Will! Will who? Will you open the door before I freeze out here?!! Dear Journal, it's been a cold day here at VILE HQ but I'm not worried. Why should I be when I have a dozen electric blankets that I..uh...borrowed from a previous acquaintance. Hyuk hyuk! I called a fellow VILE agent to join in the prank but he declined. Will keep his identity secret for now, as per his wishes (and so that I don't get my teeth punched out when he finds me - there's nothing funny about a trip to the dentist!) With everyone else I can think of alerady busy, I guess I'll be using Big Bad here, AKA. The VILE BOT, to aid me. Just have to modify him a little so that he'll be able to do what I need him to do for the prank. Can't wait until the time is ripe to pull the prank. --- Dear Journal, when is an ACME agent not an ACME agent? When he/she is trying to catch Carmen, because then he/she is a joke! Hyuk hyuk! (Note: I meant the agent not Carmen) Anyways, I am currently loading up a VILE plane with VILE bot and about to fly out to *****  [psych! like I would tell you ACME gumshoes reading this where I'm going :P] Vile bot assures me he knows how to fly the plane. Let's home whoever programed the flight manual into 'him' knew what they were doing [please let it not be Sara Bellum] Anyways, it's time to go. I have much to do! So many ACME agents to prank, so little time...... ---- Dear Journal, for some odd reason today, I feel like singing Christmas carols, or at least VILE versions of them. I know it's nowhere near Christmas but I can't help myself. Luckily VILE Bot doesn't seem to mind. That's one of the advantages of travelling with a robot I guess. While VILE Bot continues to fly us to ****** (still not telling you :P) let me regale you with a song I came up with [ok I actually ripped it off from an existing Christmas carol but hey, I'm a thief, it's what I do] Jingle Bells, ACME smells, Carmen got away The Leaning Tower's disappeared, I wonder who's to blame :P Jingle Bells, Who's that in red? It isn't Santa Claus! When will ACME ever learn, chasing Carmen's a lost cause!!! Not bad huh? Hyuk hyuk! I can't help my Christmas mood. I think it's because I know I'll be getting a nice, shiny new toy soon.... ---- Dear Journal, what do a lightning bolt and a VILE agent have in common? They both get a charge out of shocking ACME that's what. Hyuk hyuk. Speaking of which, I'm having a blast driving Chase's Porsche Cayman. Phase 2 of the prank went really well. There's still phase 3 but that will have to wait. Currently I just drove by the ACME compound. I wonder if anyone noticed? Hyuk hyuk. I can't wait to find out who Chase sent after me. I can only hope that its someone as legendary as Zack & Ivy. That would be cool. :P --- Dear journal, which has a higher IQ, an ACME agent or a crocodile? The answer? Well to have IQ you need a brain and I know that the crocodile at least has a brain... In all seriousness (then again, when am I serious?), it's been a productive day. VILE bot and I landed in San Diego under the cover of night and accomplished the first part of my prank - stealing a crocodile. Yes, you read right. I am in California. Bet the ACME guys never figured I'd strike so close to home again after what just happened. It turned out to be a pretty easy job. The San Diego Zoo was as beautiful as I remembered it and teeming with all sorts of animals. Of course at night, it was a little more scary and not so kid friendly. VILE bot and I managed to avoid all the cameras pretty easily and the guards for some reason weren't very observant (too bad. I was looking forward to trying out my new batch of stink bombs) Getting the crocodile was easy once I remembered that crocs were cold blooded (like all reptiles and a couple of crooks I know - no one from VILE of course) and that given a cold enough temperature, they'd go into hiberation mode automatically. They would be safe as long as the temperature wasn't too cold. Once they were hibernating, it was like taking candy from an ACME agent :P I named our crocodile friend "Allie" as in Alligator. She is kinda cute when she's asleep and she's growing on me a little. Too bad I can't bring her to Antartica with me. She'd never survive. Why did I get Allie? I'll give you a hint. She's no ordinary crocodile. She's a cayman crocodile. Anyway, VILE bot and I are off to our next location for phase 2. This is going to be fun. ---- Dear diary, why can a normal person not park in ACME parking lots? Because they're all handicapped lots, that's why! Seriously, all those agents are so lame, I'm surprised they don't send an annual team to compete in the paralympics. Then again, it wouldn't be a fair fight...ACME would lose too horribly then Tanya would have a field day in PR. Hyuk hyuk. I know I haven't been updating recently but I've been on the run and it's not safe to write and drive. Chase's car has been a little bit of a letdown. I mean, there's NOTHING in the glove compartment. What's wrong with that guy? Not a siren, not a CD, no bills, no maps, nothing. And the car is so ridiculously clean, it's almost like I stole it out of the showroom. It is a sweet ride but it is also a gas guzzler. Speaking of which, I need to refuel and maybe set up a little something for the ACME agents on my tail. Gotta go. ---- Dear journal, who has the least risk of a heart attack, Lee or Chase? Why it's Lee Jordan of course. Since he doesn't have a heart in the first place, he can't get a heart attack. Hyuk hyuk. Seriously though, I nearly had a heart attack today when escaping with my shiny new car. That drop down the gorge scared me half to death - and I knew VILE Bot was going to be there to catch me. I wonder if the ACME agents had a heart attack when they saw me go off the edge of the gorge? Nah. I doubt they care about me too much. Still, it was fun to be chased by Zack, Ivy and Tanya. Maybe I'll play this game with them again - minus the insane drop down the gorge. Currently I'm still trying to shake off the effects of the drop while VILE Bot flies us home. I think I'll probably get the VILE garage team to give the car a good wash and scrub when we reach. I'm still undecided as to whether to give it a new paint job...the old one's kinda boring. --- Dear Journal, With ye olde holiday season in full swing, I am feeling in the mood for some christmas carols. I gave one of them a VILE twist. I wonder if ACME will like it? Ha ha! Maybe I should pull a holiday prank on ACME... DECK THE HALLS Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la, la la la la Let us laugh at ACME's folly Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha! Don we now our thieve's apparel Fa la la la la la la la Sing we now this VILE carol Fa la la la la, la la la la --- (Sung to the tune of a certain purple dinosaur's theme song) Carmen is the greatest thief, of that there's no denying And every gumshoe wants to know just where on earth she's hiding No matter what the gumshoes do, she keeps eluding capture When will ACME get a clue, they're never gonna catch her!!!