Decay - Kidman

(During Paradigm Shift I think) Alone again. It was her natural state. Kidman was huddled on the floor in yet another empty hallway, her head between her knees. Days passed and she pulled further and further away from the others. She was a mummy unearthed; once preserved in stasis but now rapidly decaying. The pain of it had turned her so bitter that she could no longer bear to interact with anyone. She couldn't stand how she compared to them. They were so strong, so confident, so full of memories and humanity. "I wish I could be like that, calm and graceful, like Master." The girl murmured dully. Another jag of pain. Kidman wasn't well liked. She wasn't particularly skilled, save for the one skill she could never use, and she felt a life she never had slipping away before her. She would rather be angry at Carmen, but Carmen was just a person. And a god. And a person. And a god. The woman controlled her very existence through VILE's oasis. Kidman could get, food, water, shelter, safety without anyone asking who or what she was. It would be impossible anywhere else. And yet, even if Carmen had let VILE to fall into ACME’s oblivion, that was the master thief’s prerogative in the end. VILE hadn’t been made for Kidman. She had simply been lucky enough to hide within it these ten years and not be thrown out. It should be enough that she had had that. Her conscience began kicking at her again, pushing her to get up and do something useful. Kidman stirred, but lacked the will to do much more. She knew she wasn't the only one with problems, with demons, but if VILE fell- Suddenly her thoughts scratched away as something buckled within her, white warped with shadow, the feel of hands, a tumble of noise, a fear of drowning. Heat rolled over her and the girl fell forward with a gasp. She grabbed desperately at her hair for focus, but came it out in grey, matted clumps in her hands. Then it stopped. Kidman slumped on her side in a daze, cheek pressed against the cool tile floor as the urge to vomit came and fell. "Don't think of such things..." she bid herself weakly as she turned over on her back, letting the cold seep through her sweat-soaked clothes. The gaps in her memory and sense of self had been possible to ignore before, but now as Kidman tried to brace against the coming storm it became catastrophically clear that she had nothing to brace against it with. There were too many unknowns to build a solid identity, so she had built card houses with what shadows she had, accomplishing as much as she could with them before they collapsed. Now that would not be enough. Kidman glanced at her reflection in one of the thick-paned windows. A sickly thing looked back; her hair was flat grey, her skin pale and thin, covered in scars, the circles under her eyes, her awkward manner. There wasn't much beauty there, but at least it was something familiar. Kidman slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position. There had been something else there, once, something good, but it disappeared beneath the blades. Even if she could retrieve it now, she doubted it would be enough to save them from what was coming. Now there was only the inevitable. The weight of her sorrows took the last of her, and she fell away to sleep. Original: Alone again. It was her natural state. ‘No...' her inner voice reminded her. ‘Your chosen place.' "Shut up." Kidman was huddled on the floor in yet another empty hallway, her head between her knees. Days passed and she pulled further and further away from the others. She was a mummy unearthed; once preserved in stasis but now rapidly decaying. The pain of it had turned her so bitter that she could no longer bear to interact with anyone. She couldn't stand the sound of her voice or the words she spoke; all so grey and acidic. She couldn't stand what she was. "I'm so..." She murmured dully. "Look at them all, so strong, confident, full of memories, full of humanity, full of...stuff. I should be like that. I could be calm and graceful, like Master." Another jag of pain. "Master... how could you...? No. This isn't your fault. You didn't make the rainbow for me. You didn't make it for anyone. I just hid here because it was convenient and you haven't thrown me out. I have nothing to do with you, Carmen, or anyone. I have nothing to do with anyone. I can't relate...to anyone." Her inner voice began kicking at her again. ‘Then get up and do something useful. Go talk to people. Stop being so pissy and get up!' The girl stirred, but lacked the will to do much more. The voice continued to berate her. ‘You think you're the only one with problems? The only one with demons? The only one who's 'different'? So you didn't get chosen. So VILE is about to slide into chaos. Do something about it! You're so afraid of being-' Suddenly the voice scratched away and something buckled inside her. White warped with shadow, the feel of hands, a tumble of noise, a fear of drowning. A wave of heat rolled over her and the girl fell forward with a gasp. She grabbed desperately at her hair for focus, but it just came out in grey, matted clumps in her clammy hands. Then it stopped. Kidman lay on her side, cheek pressed against the cold tile floor in a daze as the urge to vomit came and fell. ‘Don't think of such things...' she bid the voice weakly. For the first time in weeks, perhaps months, the cloud of acid that clung to her fell back. In her delirium she was calm. She turned over on her back, letting the cold seep through her sweat-soaked clothes to pull her back from her nightmares. "I'm so... angry...." She said again, much softer, sadder. "So angry at everything, everyone...." The empty holes in her mind had been so easy to ignore before, but not now. Now was the time to galvanize, to center and solidify against the enemy, but there was nothing there. Any attempt to build a new identity had invariably failed, There were just too many unknowns, rendering her impotent on almost every level she could conceive of. All she could do was built card houses with shadows and try and accomplish as much as she could before it collapsed again. Now that would not be enough. "Even orphans know who they are, where they came from. I tried, Carmen, really I did, to get past it, but what kind of person...?" Kidman glanced at her reflection in one of the thick-paned windows. A sickly thing looked back. She was not what one would call attractive. Her hair was flat grey, and her skin pale and thin. The scars, the circles under her eyes, and awkward manner; there wasn't much beauty there. But at least it was something familiar. "That is me, there. That is me." She said with absent resolve. She wasn't well liked, she wasn't particularly skilled, save for the one skill she could never use, and she felt a life she never had slipping away before her. She would rather be angry at Carmen for forcing life upon her, but it was just too absurd. Carmen was just a person. And a god. And a person. And a god. The woman controlled her very existence through VILE's oasis. Kidman could get, food, water, shelter, safety without anyone asking who or what she was. It would be impossible anywhere else. But Carmen was also just a person. 'A person who did something incredibly stupid.' The weaker side of her rushed to chastise but this time Kidman sided with her more belligerent voice. "She did something stupid. Taking the tower was stupid. No one wants to tell her it was stupid. No one wants to believe Carmen, the Master, could do something stupid, and because of this Master was allowed to do something stupid. Now we'll all pay, just like Vic." Vic... A stronger person, a less fearful person, a more valid person could have stopped him from leaving. A more valid person would have the right and ability to tell Carmen the truth. Any person could, really. All people were valid. They were born, were children, were teenagers, climbing layer by layer from the solid earth. Carmen was just a person like all others. "But that's still more than I am." Kidman slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position and looked at herself in the window once again. "There's got to be more to me than this... I felt it, for just a moment." It had been there, a flicker of something more solid in her, something good, but it disappeared beneath the blades. "Perhaps I'm not meant to..." she thought as she slumped against the wall and fell away to sleep.